WEBVTT

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Oh, I'm finally going to go through with it.

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I'm almost 40 years old and I'm finally getting

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evaluated for autism and ADHD. Why? Why now,

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you ask? Because, well, I'm kind of tired of

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trying to read something three times in a row

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and still not remember, you know, what the hell

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I just did. I'm tired of hearing my own voice

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narrating all my thoughts like a broken audio

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book at two times speed. And I'm tired of feeling

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like I'm smart enough to do the work, but never

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together enough to actually show it. And it's

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about deciding to get evaluated for autism and

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ADHD as an almost 40 year old. And why it took

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me this long to stop pretending I could just

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try harder or try to push through it. So, you

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know, here's the thing. When I was in school,

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nobody really knew what ADHD or autism looked

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like in a kid who, you know, wasn't bouncing

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off the walls or melting down in a way that teachers

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typically would recognize, you know? There was

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no, hey, you might be neurodivergent. No, it

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was more like, hey, You're in this special class

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now. It's called SLD specific learning disability

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Which translated basically to me as we don't

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know what the fuck your problem is, but you're

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not fitting in the main box So we're gonna put

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you in it's this different box over here I wasn't

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failing out in some spectacular way. I was just

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barely making it through you know enough to pass

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not enough to feel like I understood how everyone

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else was doing it so easily and because No one

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had a name for it at that time. The story I told

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myself was simple. I'm I'm bad at school. I suck

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at this, you know, I'm the problem I guess that

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the issue is me and fast forward a couple decades

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and now I've got a son who has autism In ADHD

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and I sit there and I watch him and I see all

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the you know, all these little things the way

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His attention zigzags the way he locks on to

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certain interests just hyper focuses on something

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the way school doesn't quite know what to do

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with them and It's like watching old footage

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of myself that I didn't know anyone recorded

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And if he's listening to this one day Sorry,

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dude. I didn't realize this stuff was subredditary.

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I'm sorry the world still isn't built for how

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your brain works. I'm sorry it took me this long

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to realize mine works kind of really the same

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way. But at least you get words for it. You get

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people who actually know what to do. I got SLD

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and a shrug. Now, layer on top of that, I'm trying

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to study for the for the CCNA. Yeah, Cisco stuff,

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which is already hard by itself. Like nobody

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casually flips through subnetting and spanning

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tree protocols and says, yeah, I just skimmed

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it on my lunch break. It's fine. But try doing

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that level of technical study with a brain that's

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running eight radio stations worth of noise at

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any given time. I sit down with the book, or

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the video, or the lab, and I swear, I swear,

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man, it's like, okay, focus, we're learning OSPF,

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we're adults, we can do this, we, wait, did I

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pay that bill? Why is that one screw on the rack

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slightly crooked? I should reorganize my entire

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home lab. I wonder if I said something weird

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in that meeting three weeks ago. Oh crap, I probably

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did. Wait, wait, what were we doing? Oh right,

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OSPF. You do that enough times and it stops being

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funny and starts being really, really freaking

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exhausting. It starts to feel like, less like,

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I'm a little distracted and more like You know,

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there is actually something different about how

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my brain handles input and focus and memory and

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pretending it's just You know a discipline issue

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It's it's not cutting it anymore the moment the

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moment is shifted for me was Weirdly kind of

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quiet if you know if you think about it It wasn't

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some rock bottom. Nobody yelled at me. Nothing

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blew up. I just hit this point finally where

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I realized studying shouldn't feel this impossible.

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Not like this is, you know, a complex, like,

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not like this is complex material impossible.

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More like I literally cannot hold the sentence.

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I just read in working memory long enough to

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connect it to the next sentence that I'm reading.

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It's not laziness. It's not a character flaw.

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That's a brain thing. And I thought about my

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son. I thought about how hard I will fight to

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make sure he gets what he needs, the accommodations,

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the understanding, maybe the meds, if they're

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right for him, different teaching approaches,

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all of that. And then I looked at myself and

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I realized I'm not giving myself any of that

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I'm just white knuckling through everything and

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calling it being an adult So I did something

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Incredibly You know unsexy and incredibly I guess

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grown up finally. I don't know I Messaged my

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doctor. I basically said hey, I think I might

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have ADHD maybe autism I've thought about this

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for a while. I'm struggling with focus, reading

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memory, studying, my kid's diagnosed. This feels

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familiar. What can we do about it? Is this something

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I can get evaluated for and checked out? And

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instead of telling me to drink more water or

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download yet another focus app, She said, yeah,

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let's send you to a psychiatrist and get you

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evaluated. That's it. No drama, no judgment,

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no, you're too old for that. Just, yeah, we can

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look into that. And that simple, we can look

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into it, flip the switch, because now it's not

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just me banging around in my head, wondering

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if I'm making any of this up, wondering if I'm

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just being overly dramatic or lazy. now it's

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on the calendar now there's an actual process

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happening now there's a chance that instead of

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silently fighting my own brain every single damn

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day i might get some help am i nervous about

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it yeah sure part of me worries they'll just

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say nah you're fine you're just tired and i'll

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walk out feeling like i wasted everyone's time

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Another part of me worries they'll say yes, you

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have ADHD and maybe autism and then I'll have

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to sit with the grief of cool So I went almost

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40 years thinking I was just broken for no reason

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But here's the thing both of those feelings are

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better than saying, you know staying in this

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limbo where I know Something's off and I keep

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pretending it's not They say no, it's not ADHD

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or autism then okay. We keep investigating I

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guess maybe it's anxiety. Maybe it's something

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else but At least I'm not trying to self diagnose

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in a vacuum If they say yes, it is then I got

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options maybe meds maybe different strategies

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for study and maybe language to explain to other

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people why I am the way I am instead of just

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blaming it on being scatterbrained or whatever

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and honestly maybe the biggest thing is just

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permission permission to stop beating myself

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up for not being built like the imaginary ideal

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student or employee or person whatever that I've

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been chasing since elementary school The wild

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part is realizing how much of my life has been

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shaped by not having this language being put

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in quote -unquote special classes. You know,

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you're special. Where the label didn't actually

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explain anything, it just separated me from the

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rest of the group. Thinking I was lazy instead

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of overwhelmed, thinking I was stupid instead

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of unsupported, thinking I was... undisciplined

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instead of undiagnosed. And now I'm watching

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my oldest grow up in a world where, yeah, there's

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still a little bit of stigma, there's still misunderstanding,

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but there's also frameworks and specialists and

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actual words for this stuff now. He gets to know,

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hey, your brain, it's wired differently. Here's

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how we work with that. I didn't get that. Early

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90s? Nah, nobody knew, or they were denying it.

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But I can retroactively, I guess, give it to

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myself now. This evaluation for me is partly

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about getting help in the present. Making that

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Cisco study, that CCNA study possible without

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wanting to launch the book into orbit, and you

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know, partly about I guess sort of, yeah, healing

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the past. It's me, saying to my younger self,

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the kid in that SLD classroom. There was never

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anything wrong with you, man. The tools just

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weren't there yet for you. So if any of this

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sounds familiar, if you've spent your life feeling

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like everyone else got the manual and you're

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just kind of guessing and you're thinking, Am

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I too old to get this checked out? No, you're

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not. You're not too old to understand your own

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brain. You're not too old to ask for help. And

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you're not too old to decide that barely getting

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by isn't the bar you want to live at anymore.

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I'm almost 40. I'm finally getting evaluated.

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And yeah, I'm a little nervous, a little scared,

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but I'm also hopeful. Hopeful that maybe the

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next 40 years don't have to feel like the first

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40 did. Hopeful that I can still learn some new

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things like CCNA, maybe CompTIA, Network Plus,

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like, you know, whatever's next, without fighting

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myself every second along the way. If you're

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struggling, make the move, man. Send the message,

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ask the question, book the appointment, not because...

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A diagnosis magically fixes everything, but because

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you deserve to stop carrying this alone. And

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if I ever do a fuller episode on this, maybe

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I'll talk about what the actual evaluation was

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like and what changed afterwards, med strategies,

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any of that. For now, this is me, almost 40,

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finally saying I think my brain is different.

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I want to understand it. I'm going to get some

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help. Follow me on Instagram and threads if you

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want at Tyler Woodward me also visit Tyler Woodward

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me for past episodes show notes all the links

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to all the things That's where you can find everything

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about the Tyler Woodward project I'll catch you

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next time